Unsent Regret

Dear You,

I miss talking to you. I feel like that’s one of the biggest regrets in my life— screwing things up and growing distant. You were my best friend, hands-down. I could tell you anything and everything. Like for real, we talked about everything. We’d talk until the wee hours of morning. You never made fun of me for being different. You liked how weird I was, because you were too. We just fit. You were always interested in what I had to say. Like that quote from a movie about how most people are just waiting for their turn to speak instead of listening and putting meaning to the words. I actually enjoyed what we talked about, and I wasn’t afraid to be myself. I could be creative, imaginative, random. I could spill any emotion to you, and you’d understand. I don’t have that anymore and I feel bottled up, like I’m going to explode. Now, it seems we can never get that back. Whenver we talk, I struggle to find something to talk about other than how school or life is doing. It’s extremely sad. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to trust anyone like that again. I always ask myself why I let that go. Why did I screw that up. I would trade anything for that again. I was so naive, so young and stupid. I really miss talking to you.

Sincerely, Me.

Ve (heme) nt.

So that’s it then. The case has been solved. Every time I needed someone to stand by me, hold my hand, sit with me and listen. Tell me that Everything is Going to be Okay. No one was ever there. It started young, with my family. The family who was never there. I learned that when I had a problem, I bottled it away. I could cry, I could curl up in my blankets and sleep my problems away. They just stayed with me, in my heart. I learned that no one really cares. Is this the truth? Maybe not so, but that’s all I ever knew. Best friends were always fleeting. I could never confide all my deepest secrets and feelings to one source. One simple support system. What I lacked in my social life, I made up for with my toys. I played, pretended, gave them names and personalities. They were my friends. And yet, I still didn’t have a support system. I lacked confidence, leadership, sociable skills. I can’t say I’ve made a single friend in middle school. I had one best friend, a family friend. I fondly remember the first time we met. They came over to our house; my brother and I being shy, hid in the bathroom. Eventually we met other kids from family friends, and we all became a “gang” in the Scooby-Doo sense. With all of us being military kids though, it was never meant to last. Eventually they left, eventually we grew apart. Eventually we stopped talking. At school, I hung with anyone who would let me. They weren’t friends, they were users; they used me as an emotional punchbag. They took their frustrations out on me, made me feel bad so that they could feel better. They offered just enough friendship to keep me around though. Treating my like their whipping boy. Much like a rotten child, offering food to some sick, stray dog. Beating the dog within an inch of his life, until he finally feeds him and strokes his fur, as if they were friends after all. That is all I knew from middle school. I viewed the punks, the rebels, the “weird” kids from afar. My biggest wish was that I could be part of that, that one of them would find me and bring me in to their world. I wanted friends that I could relate to. But it never happened… not until high school at least. I had my first taste of a true friendship there. One that wouldn’t go away, like most everything else in my life. Being in the honors program, I was stuck with the same people year after consecutive year. My best friend was Chris, my first advancement into trusting those of the same gender again. A guy who didn’t treat me like an inferior. Who talked to me about guy stuff and treated me like one of the guys. We had fun, I was happy again. Like everything else in my life though, it didn’t last. He moved, right after Sophomore year. I was alone again. On my own. Loner League: even that didn’t last. Whenever I made friends, when I found people to trust— real relationships, it ended abruptly. College came and swept me away on a cramped aircraft. I guess I never learned how to keep people near. I only knew (know?) how to push them away. In college I jumped from one group of friend to the next, never really staying for too long in one spot. In college, the only girl I loved was lost. I flunked a class and nearly failed the rest because of the emotional traumas. I just lost one thing after another. I never had a support group, it was gone before I could use it. Every time someone tries to get close, I don’t let them. They’re just going to leave me again. They’re going to let me down. Throughout my whole life there hasn’t been many people who have earned my trust. Those who have left me sitting alone in the dark, to fend for myself.

In this new chapter of my life, I have made a Resolution. I will achieve my own Enlightenment. I will learn to Trust. I finally looked up, sitting in the gloom, only to find I wasn't alone in the dark anymore. I have friend surrounding me, supporting me and holding me up. I want to keep these people around, I want to give back what they give me. I want to Evolve. I'm not that little boy anymore. My path is not so cold, alone, and frightening any longer.

SOS

Hold my hand, I never knew Hell could be this cold. The trek on this hellish journey is tiring. Illusions fill my head and I suffocate on emotions. There has to be something better. I don't want to go it alone, but there's no one to turn to. My bi-polar tendencies, mixed with my distrustful nature is a lethal combination. Hold my hand, my will is fading. You're not here, but you keep me alive. You make me happy. I miss you. I miss being happy-- oh how long for the times when I wasn't so burdened with all these troubles. I'm so indecisive. I feel like one more burden, that final straw, will break me down. I can't do this. Hold my hand, I think I'm dying. The light at the end of the tunnel is fading, like the flickering fluorescent lights in some long-abandoned building. I can feel the life draining from me, like sand in an hourglass. Hold my hand, you're all I have now. There are shouts from the outside, wondering if I'm all right. They couldn't care less. It's all a formality. I deflect and lie. It's so easy. They don't knock down the walls. You do. Hold my hand, tell me it'll all be alright. Please. Save me.

Abandoned Ship

My savior isn't coming. The guiding hands of fate have abandoned me. Hanging not even by a thread, merely by willpower alone. But my head is held together by frayed ropes and patched wires and crumbling beams. The mental capacity to keep holding on can only be spread so thin before it wears out. The battering waves wear down my patience for something better. The outlook is bleak, the diagnosis, devastating. How it came to this is a mystery. Hope is just another fairy tale.

Musings of a Sailor/ Shanty of Love

A word is a word until it is strung together with invisible wire to form a sentence. A sentence is a sentence until feeling is imparted, like paint to a canvas, to make it a poem. A poem is a poem until music is played alongside to make it a song. A song is a song until is it sung from the heart to convey love. As I drift in and out of my dreams, I wonder how much of a part my heart plays in the fictitious journeys I take in my mind. It makes one wonder if our dreams are fleeting views into different realities, images we are not meant to remember. Lands of rich green countryside, stretching to the horizon; castles and parapets, impossible creatures that talk, fly, and possess strange abilities. Futuristic wonders, metallic sheens and fantasitical technology. Or reliving alternate realities where choices may be taken back and reconsidered. Life follows a different path, like the butterfly fluttering off into a new world where the unknowing stranger, instead on crushing it under his foot, spares it's LIFE.
LIFE is as fragile as the stars, as vivid as the radiant sunset, as complex as the designs on a single tumbling snowflake, and as quick as an inhale of sharp winter air. On our journeys in the vast sea of life, we set our sights to distant goals, only recognizable through our convenient spyglasses. The various parchments that litter the deck map out our course as we attempt to conquer the obstacles that may eventually lead to treasure. Whether it be for glory, for riches, or to discover (or rediscover) love, we keep our eyes on the horizon, sailing at the speed that best suits our need. Though our journey may be fruitful, there is as equal a chance that we may come out empty-handed. It's a gambit every adventurer takes. On my vessel, my voyage, I am wary. Like the very greed that brought many a pirate to Davy Jone's Locker, I too succumb to my personal desires. Sailing through unfamiliar waters, staving off strange creatures and weathering out the nastiest of weather; I know somewhere in the back of my mind that I am likely to fall short of my horizon, or more likely to find that, in the end, there was never really any treasure. Like an oasis in the desert, it may all be merely a mirage to my hungering eyes. I do know though that though my vessel may be on the wrong course, there is equal possibilities that I may find a trove or a single valuable jewel along the way. For all I know, the right opportunity will cross paths with me, board ship and sweep me away along a new, exciting flight. Until that day I follow my heart, my mind, my eyes, my instinct like every explorer before me and every other one out there, lost in the sea of life. Until that day, I will enjoy the journey, for that is where happiness truly lies.

Funny Stuff

Decided to try my hand at one of these kind of list things.... most of them are my own, but the ones in quotations are funny ones I've found online...

This is the original link that inspired my post: http://michael-moniz.com/45-funny-thoughts-on-life/

-Don't you hate it when you're walking and you come across a intersection without a crosslight and a driver is waiting to turn? Even if it's your right-of-way, sometimes it's really awkward, especially if the driver's been there for a while....

- I feel like I'm cheating whenever a Christmas song comes on shuffle, so I change the song, no matter how much I want to listen to it...

- I truly miss the happiness and joy Christmas used to bring me. It seems like yesterday that I hung those little paper links by my bed to count down the days 'til Christmas.

- Looking back, I wonder what made me think Xx's and Xo's and random numbers were cool to include in my screen names and emails...

- I hate it when you're doing one of those long survey notes and at the end you have to tag people... I never know who would feel left out if I didn't tag them or who would be annoyed if I did...

- If I had to leave home without a cellphone, or with a dead battery, I'd probably feel naked and uncomfortable.

- I always feel a little sad when the ending credits of a movie doesn't have a blooper reel.

- I also feel very sad at the end of some movies that should have been longer...

- I hate when I'm walking (home) at night and I have multiple shadows surrounding me. It never fails to jump-start my paranoia as I feel like the shadows behind me is someone following me.

-Even though my glasses seem to fit me perfectly, they somehow find a way to slip ever so slowly down my nose. I'm self conscious about the way I push them up, so I always try to find a way to make it look cooler...

- Don't you hate the 'Awkard-Dance?' You know when you're walking and someone going in the opposite direction gets in your path? You both move left and then the right, you keep doing this and it could go on for the longest time...

- It might be just me, but when I take showers on a (cold) morning, my fingers and toes feel like they're burning when the warm/hot water touches them.

- "Kanye, how could you be so heartless?"

- I kinda don't like singing happy birthday with a room full of people. Everyone sings it so monotone, so when I try to sing it nice, I get thrown off and sound so out of place...

- Sometimes when I'm watching TV and someone is about to do something extremely embarrassing, I close my eyes or change the channel. It's like I'm embarrassed for them or I'm imagining myself in their shoes. This is especially true if I've seen the show before...

- Wouldn't it be awesome is someone found a way to make miniature animals? I'd totally rock to own an alligator or penguin the size of a hamster...

- I always find myself wishing textbooks had a 'Search' function.

- I wonder how many cars/cash-prizes I've won on soda bottle lids, but was too lazy to enter the prize code online for?

-No matter how old you are, you can never resist the temptation to pop bubble wrap

-Don't you hate it when you have something really good/interesting/relevating to say during a conversation or class discussion, but when you find a change to talk, the topic has changed? Should you just keep the thought to yourself or awkwardly bring up the old topic?

- What I hate even more is when AFTER I talk to a girl (that I may like), I think of something funny or witty that I should have said earlier. It feels like you'll never get the chance to say it again, or else you'd seem weird/awkward/desperate to randomly bring it up again...

-I hate how sad I get when I see that someone is typing something on an instant messenger, but never sends it. It depresses me even more that I'm so desperate for a message that may not even be more than a word long.

-Shouldn't we get some kind of discount for using the self-checkout at the store?

-Is there a use for the eject button on a DVD remote? Unless your DVD player can toss you the DVD, you have to get up anyway...

-"I don't write on your facebook wall so you can comment on it. I write on your wall so you will write back on mine and make me seem more popular. Work with me here."
(Just kidding, I thought this one was funny though...)

- " Finding a typo in a book makes me feel like a champion. How is it that I see that and the author and editors did not? I win."

-"Oh wrinkled, clean laundry on the floor, I would sooner throw you in for another wash and dry than attempt to iron you."

-"Despite the fact that there are no assigned seats in college, I get really pissed when I walk into class and someone is sitting in the seat I have occupied for the majority of a semester."

-"On one of the PowerPoints slides I was showing today to the 7th graders there was a picture of the statue of liberty. One of the boys yelled out "Man, I've been inside of her!" I couldn't help but laugh."

-" I like being a Mac user until I see those smug ass commercials. "

-" There is no casual way to figure out whether or not your fly is down. "

Until next time, TTFN!

Life After Death and Taxes

God. God, God, God. Is it becoming the new norm to forsake His name? Are we still God-fearing people? Many claim to be religious, but in my eyes, religion is losing it's edge these days. I must speculate this topic, lest I go mad from the amassing thoughts that fill my head. I do not intend to post, I only write this to abate the need to express my thoughts. If I let them sit in my head any longer I fear they will fester and rot my brain.

To be frank, I don't have much belief in practical religion. I hate to admit it, I wish terribly that I did. It burns me to my very soul to own up to such a sacrilegious admittance. I've always been a thinker, though I can not fully attest myself for my own lack of faith. I can blame it on Science, but at the same time, I prefer fiction over non-fiction. I love magic, miracles and the unexplainable. Yet, maybe I should then blame it on my education on religion, or lack thereof. Whatever the matter, I do wish dearly I could just swallow all of the fantasies contained within the Bible as easily as the next person.

The biggest influence in my wishes to be more religious is based solely my fears of the mysteries surrounding death. Call me a coward, but I believe that fear in general is greatly imperative for survival. If you feared nothing, you'd probably live a reckless life without balances. On the other hand, living life in fear is not a life at all. Fear is not unlike common sense, but too much fear is a hindrance. But I digress, what I mean to say is that sometimes I fear that if I have no faith in God, what is there for me? Sometimes, out of the blue, all life is drained from my very spirit and the most horrible thoughts begin to creep into my mind. Tendrils of evil latch themselves into my head, and I stare Death in the face. As I stare into that dismal abyss, I get scared shitless, seeing nothing and wondering. Always wondering. An inquisitive mind never rests. It feels like a curse sometimes. But it does not last and I am extremely thankful. I don't know if everyone or anyone else has ever experienced this indescribable feeling, but I would not wish it upon anyone else... unless of course you truly deserved to feel like shit (I'm looking at all you murderers and truly evil people out there). Then again we are ALL capable of EVIL and GOOD, but that is an argument for another time.

What I realize is that whether you believe in God or not; what you have to realize is that you can't hold back... I can't use the fear of death as an excuse to live a watered-down life.

"Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express what we really are." -Don Miguel Ruiz

A good friend of mine also analyzed the mystery that is death, and I implore that you read it too and really take it to heart, regardless of how macabre it may seem. I wish I had as much faith as she did, maybe then I'd be at peace of mind for the afterlife.

"Death is so random. At any given time I can die. At any given time anyone can die... Tell the people who you love that you love them often. Respect your parents and your elders because you never know when they'll be gone for good." -Nicole Cristobal

Taking this into consideration, I try to live my life without regrets. You must always think, before you speak, look before you leap- you can't just live life on impulse all the time. But at the same time, what's already done is done. You can't live life looking back wondering how thing could have been. Unless, you're an optimistic who likes to say "Could've been worse...." Regardless, if you are to live a full life, you can't hold back. You hear it all the time, but how many people actually live this way? Not a great deal, I'd say. But I just continue to live my life the best I can and prepare myself for whatever may come in the future.

I always have mixed feeling about the future. On one hand I fear the future, probably because I lack faith: faith in myself, faith in the economy, faith in the Divine. On the other hand though, I await the future like a child awaits Christmas. Like when I actually made those paper chains; you pulled one off everyday until it was Christmas day. I wouldn't sleep that day and I would wake up early and have to wait for my parents. These days, it seems like the other way around, my parents actually wake me up for Christmas unwrapping. Wow, I have rambled quite a bit, haven't I? Well, anyway, sometimes I can't wait for the future. I want to know who I marry, where I work, where I live. I can't wait to be a father, not to spoil my kids, but so I can teach them how to be polite, inquisitive, wise, strong in both body and mind, and respectful. I can't wait to be free to have my own domain and do what I like in my house. I guess that's why people play all those simulation games: Sims, Animal Crossing, etc. My future in shrouded in mystery, as is anyone elses. I wouldn't have it any other way. To cope with death, you must live. I'll live my life and meet whatever awaits me in the future head-on (apply directly to the forehead!).
Well I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore folks. Sorry to waste your time, but I hope you got even one scrap of anything out of this. If not, tough luck, should've stopped while you were ahead.

(Oh and in case you thought I forgot, the song theme for my post is in the title: Life After Death and Taxes, by Relient K. Because even though I'm not much a religious person, I still like Christian Rock)

Until next time, Paalam po!

Dad

Song:

(Again, I apologize for my post... I fear I'll never have a flowing, coherent blog because I'm just innately a messy person...)

I chose this song because it's always meant a lot to me... With my dad being in the Navy, he was always out at sea a lot. We saw him a lot, but there were also long periods of time when we didn't get to see him. I remember we would always sleep in my mom's room to keep her company and stuff whenever he was away. Even while I write this blog, I can barely see through the tears as I listen to the song again... I remember how happy we were to wait at the docks with all the other families just to see my dad again...

Fast forward several years. My dad is finally able to get permanently stationed in Hawaii. Growing up like a typical teenager, privacy, secrecy, hormones leading to puberty leading to the distance between us growing apart. He never got to teach me about the birds and the bees, I already learned it in school. He never got to take me out to love sports and stuff, but he' still proud that I got the brains to compensate. If there is anything in this life that I'll regret is being ashamed of my dad as a teenager. I never liked to go golfing with him every weekend, he had to practically force my brother and I. Whenever he went out, we'd have better things to do- stare at a computer screen or mindless slave away at a video game. Sometimes I feel like my biggest regret is that I feel like I'm not the son he wanted. I always feel like I let my dad down somewhere down the road. There are just some things I wish I could go back and change for him.

He'd never be one to tell you any of this though. In fact he's proud of me for who I am. He's proud that I'm the first in my family to attend college, to graduate high school with honors and advanced credits. Sometimes you never realize just how wise your father can be. Just because he grew up in a different time doesn't mean he didn't grow up facing the same things. Whenever I felt at my lowest, ready to give up, I could always come to my dad. No matter how bad it was, he understood and made me feel loads better. He's always there for me, even when I don't realize it. When it feels like there's no one on my side, no one who understands me, he'll always be there to pick me up. He's inspired so much in me to be a better person, if not for his sake, for mine. A father's love is relentless, unlimited, powerful... there is nothing so simple and truthful as this fact. Though this is not necessarily true for biological fathers, father-figures are also capable of a such love.

Thinking about my dad, listening to songs like 'Butterfly Kisses,' and watching movies of devoted fathers like 'Taken,' I can't wait to grow up and become a loving father myself. I feel it is my duty to one day protect my kids, pass down the teachings of my father, and just love them until they grow up to be respectable adults. I guess you can chalk it up to human nature, our purpose is to reproduce raise our young to repeat the process. Like I'll shamelessly tell anyone, I'd love to have a daughter one day, daddy's little girl you know? It'd also be neat to have a boy as well, teach him to be respectful and honest, kind and honorable. But only in dreams, it seems...

Anyway, in the end I guess you should never take things in your life for granted, whether it be your parents, grandparents, or anything and anyone else. We often never learn this until it's too late, either way, we lose something dear to us. Whether it be an actual, tangible thing or person, or just something like a childhood spent with your loved ones. We often regret the choices we make for self-benefit, so spread the love and cherish every moment you have with your loved ones.

I wish you all a happy fathers day whether you can spend it with your father or not.

Until next time, Arrivederci!

When I look at the stars... I feel like myself

Chose two songs, by the same artist which inspired me to write something tonight: Switchfoot's 'Stars' and 'We Are One Tonight.' Okay, couldn't embed the videos so here's the links: (sorry!)
- Stars
- We Are One Tonight

The two songs are kinda similar and have a somewhat night theme. Remember sitting outside, laying in the grass, or on top of your parents' car just staring up at the sky? When was the last time you've done that? I greatly urge you to do so now if you're reading this at night. Yes, right now. I can wait, I've got all the time in the world and I'll be waiting here when you return. It's an amazing thing to stare up into the night sky, especially with no city lights, no house lights to detract from the stars. As a kid, staring at the stars gave me a sense of wonder that I never understood, nor could I fully grasp. All I knew was it brought me to peace, I felt as ease with the cool wind blowing at my hair and the chilling metal (or soft and itchy grass) below my body. This is also why I love taking ride in the night, staring up in the night sky is awesome, especially in the back of a moving pick up truck. What is it about the infinite reaches of space that quells my soul and keeps me silent? Maybe it just makes you feel small, like nothing else at the moment matters. You are in possession of that great mysterious wonder, gripped by its vast and endless silence. Nothing really matters at this point, the world is at peace for this timeless instant. At the same time as cleansing the spirit, it reminds you that, like that stars, there are endless people on this earth who share all this with you. Whether they be of different age and time, or different class and standing, of different race and culture... you all share the same fate in this life. There are commonalities in the important things: people live, people love, people die. Staring up at the sky, I feel as one with the world. Like in the classic of 'An American Tail,' somewhere out there... well you get the picture. As we all strive to live in this unforgiving world, we forget that we're all out of the same mold, all of us. There are those who have strayed the path; heck, we all follow our own paths, like branching twines of fate, but many of our paths our parallel and intertwine throughout our lives. Remember everyone you encounter, never forget your experiences, love without limit, because as we continue to walk down the one-way street of life, you can only look back and move forward. Never take anything, materialistic or otherwise, for granted. Never turn a blind eye to a fellow being, as we are all one, we are all struggling. It is true what they say, so keep a smile on your face and kind words at your breath. You never know when you'll be wishing for someone, anyone, to come along with one of those blessings. Sorry if this is really disordered, blogging is a learning experience :)

Until next time, Farewell!

Mentally exhausted...

Man, it sucks when that old, familiar feeling overtakes me again. It's like a wave of sorrow washes through my mind, drowning out all the happiness that may have been there. I can never define it or understand it, but it's the most familiar feeling in the world. All of I sudden I don't feel like talking; I stare into nothingness, shoulders slumped in pitiful contempt for the world. Along with this depression comes frustration, knowing I can not control the feeling and that it will eventually take over my mind and tear me down. I can no longer see the good side of anything, the pessimistic in me is released once again. Friends, family, loved ones? Who needs them? Who needs this life? These dreadful thoughts surge into my mind, digging me deeper into a world of hate and despair. It builds up within me, I despise people, I despise the world, I despise myself. The frustration builds up I as argue with myself: I have a good life, good friends, good future, what more do I need? Why do I feel this way, I know I am stronger than this... But am I really? Doubt starts to boil up in my mind and heart. Am I lying to myself? Who am I to say I have the good life; you're being deceived, you're in denial. Struggling, kicking, screaming, all the while as silent as a mouse. They ask me if I'm okay... of course will I lie, but nothing is all right. Who am I do drag them under with me? This is my fight, they don't deserve this. But, I am just making things worse for myself, struggling alone in the quicksand. I turn away from those outstretched, life-giving hands, favoring my pride. So I lie; I lie to them, I lie to the world, I lie to myself. Everything will be just fine. But, will it? There is a monster in my brain, gnawing at the bars in the cage labeled 'Insanity' and it wants out. It wants to turn my mind upside down, destroy my sanity and extinguish my will to live. Yet...somehow, I always make it through. Usually it passes, leaving me a little more weaker than I was before, my fortitude slowly whittles down. Rarely, I let someone else inside to help. This never happens often, I've grown so detached from trust and companionship. Too many fakes, lies, deceit. But every once in a while there is someone who truly cares, even if it is only for that one instant. They will forget later, but in that moment, someone to trust, someone to hold on to. A buoy in the storm. It helps. I get over it somehow.

All these torments I thought I had left behind me, I'd been free for a long time. I've been... happy. Imagine my surprise and confusion when it came back, like the diabolical villain in a predictable sequel. The frustration starts again, I thought I had gotten past this. It still makes as little sense as it ever has. Trust is lost, I love my friends, but I can't think straight. I feel alone and I don't know why! Cursing, roaring, thrashing in agony at this unseen foe... irritable, angry, violent. The old hate starts to emerge as the old me pops his head out to say with a devilish grin: "Hello, missed me? I'm baaaaaack." I don't want to be this, I'm better than that. I've changed, I've grown, I've conquered my past. It then hits me... like a kickball to the head... a dodgeball to the chin...or a tennis ball to the groin. It's a test, I know how to get through this. It's like battling the boss of video game a second time, only you know it's tricks and though it may seem bigger and badder, you know exactly how to defeat it. I knew how to get through it. Just another bump in the road, albeit a big motherf*cking bump. I have to take it slow, my frustrations will dissipate and I will get through this. I will survive. Possunt quia posse videntur.

Until next time, Valete!

A list, a list, my kingdom for a list

Okay sorry I haven't written any blogs lately, but I have plenty of ideas bouncing around in my head... I just haven't perfected them yet. So to abate my need to post something, I'll do something easy and interesting :)

"Your dreams won't wait, you have to always strive to catch up with them."

1. Learn to ride a horse

2. Learn to use a longbow

3. Learn to fire a gun and play Skeet

4. Fire arrows while on a horse

5. Learn to play Piano (the most beautiful sounding instrument) (and then I could sing and play at the same time, like the song Starlit Nights :) )

6. Learn to play Violin (and use it in rock/alternative music)

7. Sing for an audience

8. Find my calling (and make a living out of it)

9. Travel to every continent

10. Skydive or Bungee Jump!

11. Get a puppy and kitten at the same time (One of the will be named Zokki)

12. Try my hand at acting/dancing something (just for fun!)

13. Change the world (make it a better place somehow!)

14. Fall in love (After I finish college hopefully!)

15. Start a family and be a loving father (many years from now)

Can't think of any more right now... Meh, maybe more later. Anyone got any suggestions of things we should do? Leave a comment!

Until next time, Zàijiàn!

Zokki 2.0! (My new laptop's name! Haha...)

Yay, new laptop! But I'll start this exciting day from the start, because it was full of adventure for once and I haven't had such an engaging day for a while. So sorry, no intriguing life lessons or musings today, but I'm working on a good one! Woke up at 7 after 5 hours of sleep, which is not too bad, I guess, especially since I still feel wide awake! Met Kim at Campbell at 8 (she wore the same thing as me!), talked to Ramiscal's class, apparently I'm the studious one and she's the party one? Haha, Kim deserves more credit than that... Had to leave early (sorry Kim!) but had a REAL, albeit short, talk with one of my teachers, which was nice. While driving I almost got into TWO accidents! The first time wasn't my fault, the crazy driver tried to make a left turn while I was going through the intersection, that idiot. The second time was my fault though as I didn't see some guy while I was leaving Ala Moana, so sorry random driver guy. Hung out with the "Codester" and "Mi Hell" ahaha. Had plenty fun, too bad more people didn't come =/ But there's always a next time! I finally got my new laptop, incliding a free iPod touch for my mom and a free printer for my family! Whooo... So excited to have this thing. I'll take care of it as if it were my unborn child hahaha. iChat or ooVoo anyone? We spent a lot of time in Old Navy, so cheap their clothes! Saw a cute girl there ;) Haha, just kidding... well not really, but Kim and Ms. Tanaka tell me I can't have a girlfriend, she has to be subjeced through a rigorous inspection by Ms. Tanaka first! Hahahaha, I'm sorry, inside jokes. But today was a fun day, can't wait to do more stuff like this the rest of the summer. Hit me up, I'd rather hang out than sit here doing nothing! Mmmk this blog is too long already, I'm sure you have better things to do!

Until next time, Sayonara!

"If Today Was Your Last Day"

Uggggh, so sporadic my thoughts

Trying to write a blog hurts my head... Maybe I need some music to get my thoughts flowing. Did nothing all weekend, my friends canceled all three days... Played Twilight Princess, one of my favorite video games ever, next to Ocarina of Time. Anyway, I'm currently undergoing changes to my life: both mentally and physically. For one, this song I heard last night by Nickelback, "If Today Was Your Last Day." You always hear things like, "Never miss a chance to tell the one's you love how you feel..." and "It's never too late," or "Take the first step," but it never hit home until I saw the music video and heard the song. It's message reminds me that I can not take anything at all for granted. Sure, I'll never be as optimistic and cheerful as I want to be, but by being pessimistic and blocking out the world, you also block out oportunities to achieve more and make something better. I lived my whole life alone and afraid, and it took me 18 years to realize that there's more to life than I could ever had known. So I started a change, I take care of myself better so that in turn, I can take care of the things around me. I no longer am the pessimist; for so long I've wondered how to be optimistic and why I couldn't do it. I just had to stop doubting myself. The world sucks, that is a fact of life. But if you let it suck, you'll never really live. I've come to realize that once your find that light within yourself, it'll be hard to ever lose it. Everyone feels alone from time to time-- we may come to learn that life isn't like movies and television: people who you think got your back may not always be there for you. Before you can rely on others, you gotta be able to accept the fact that everyone has their own shit it deal with as well. No matter how well they hide it, everyone's got their own burden. But at the same time, if everyone didn't act so tough, we'd all be able to see how much in common we all have. If people weren't so reluctant to share their problems, we'd all be able to help each other and live in a more perfect harmony. Man, I'm just ranting and rambling. It feels good to get it off my chest though I guess. Maybe later, I'll be able to write a more organized blog that will make more sense than this one. Pardon the mess folks...

Until next time, Ciao!

New Blog?

Okay so I guess a blog is something that I can try to keep posted on during the summer. I got the idea from David... It may even help me keep my sanity until I get back to Pullman, haha. Not much going down right now. Boring boring boring night. I found out I was half German? Apparently I never asked my dad, and my brother and his friends tried doing it today... I also found out that my mom totally support me going to Kauai, so maybe a visit this summer is not too far away? Well, I have no clue what blogs encompass so I have nothing more to write for now...

Until next time, Auf wiedersehen!