Mentally exhausted...

Man, it sucks when that old, familiar feeling overtakes me again. It's like a wave of sorrow washes through my mind, drowning out all the happiness that may have been there. I can never define it or understand it, but it's the most familiar feeling in the world. All of I sudden I don't feel like talking; I stare into nothingness, shoulders slumped in pitiful contempt for the world. Along with this depression comes frustration, knowing I can not control the feeling and that it will eventually take over my mind and tear me down. I can no longer see the good side of anything, the pessimistic in me is released once again. Friends, family, loved ones? Who needs them? Who needs this life? These dreadful thoughts surge into my mind, digging me deeper into a world of hate and despair. It builds up within me, I despise people, I despise the world, I despise myself. The frustration builds up I as argue with myself: I have a good life, good friends, good future, what more do I need? Why do I feel this way, I know I am stronger than this... But am I really? Doubt starts to boil up in my mind and heart. Am I lying to myself? Who am I to say I have the good life; you're being deceived, you're in denial. Struggling, kicking, screaming, all the while as silent as a mouse. They ask me if I'm okay... of course will I lie, but nothing is all right. Who am I do drag them under with me? This is my fight, they don't deserve this. But, I am just making things worse for myself, struggling alone in the quicksand. I turn away from those outstretched, life-giving hands, favoring my pride. So I lie; I lie to them, I lie to the world, I lie to myself. Everything will be just fine. But, will it? There is a monster in my brain, gnawing at the bars in the cage labeled 'Insanity' and it wants out. It wants to turn my mind upside down, destroy my sanity and extinguish my will to live. Yet...somehow, I always make it through. Usually it passes, leaving me a little more weaker than I was before, my fortitude slowly whittles down. Rarely, I let someone else inside to help. This never happens often, I've grown so detached from trust and companionship. Too many fakes, lies, deceit. But every once in a while there is someone who truly cares, even if it is only for that one instant. They will forget later, but in that moment, someone to trust, someone to hold on to. A buoy in the storm. It helps. I get over it somehow.

All these torments I thought I had left behind me, I'd been free for a long time. I've been... happy. Imagine my surprise and confusion when it came back, like the diabolical villain in a predictable sequel. The frustration starts again, I thought I had gotten past this. It still makes as little sense as it ever has. Trust is lost, I love my friends, but I can't think straight. I feel alone and I don't know why! Cursing, roaring, thrashing in agony at this unseen foe... irritable, angry, violent. The old hate starts to emerge as the old me pops his head out to say with a devilish grin: "Hello, missed me? I'm baaaaaack." I don't want to be this, I'm better than that. I've changed, I've grown, I've conquered my past. It then hits me... like a kickball to the head... a dodgeball to the chin...or a tennis ball to the groin. It's a test, I know how to get through this. It's like battling the boss of video game a second time, only you know it's tricks and though it may seem bigger and badder, you know exactly how to defeat it. I knew how to get through it. Just another bump in the road, albeit a big motherf*cking bump. I have to take it slow, my frustrations will dissipate and I will get through this. I will survive. Possunt quia posse videntur.

Until next time, Valete!