Numb.

I'm finally at that point. That numbness that takes over your thoughts, freezing the core of your mind. The ice that creeps over your heart, blocking out the emotion. The hypothermia sets in, your fingers turn blue as you become numb.

I feel like I'm just going through the motions again. Like watching some grotesque occurrence, some horrible accident that you just can't wrench your eyes away from. It's painful, yet strangely satisfying. Does that mean it is my fault? Do I like torturing myself so much that I put myself in the same situation every time? I reach out with my heart, only to have it slapped down like a petty piece of trash. I wish I could just lock it away, but I wont. I can't. I don't know why, but I can't. It's not me.

It's all happening again: same shit, different day. This depression is so jaded, that I'm used to it. This may not be surprising, but it is scary. How can one soul be so torn, so broken that it is used to sadness; so mournful are my thoughts that I would do anything to escape them. Sometimes I wish I could run away. Go on an adventure. Anywhere else, but this. This is not what I ever wanted. This kind of pain is unbearable.

I finally understand what it means to be numb.

Unsent Regret

Dear You,

I miss talking to you. I feel like that’s one of the biggest regrets in my life— screwing things up and growing distant. You were my best friend, hands-down. I could tell you anything and everything. Like for real, we talked about everything. We’d talk until the wee hours of morning. You never made fun of me for being different. You liked how weird I was, because you were too. We just fit. You were always interested in what I had to say. Like that quote from a movie about how most people are just waiting for their turn to speak instead of listening and putting meaning to the words. I actually enjoyed what we talked about, and I wasn’t afraid to be myself. I could be creative, imaginative, random. I could spill any emotion to you, and you’d understand. I don’t have that anymore and I feel bottled up, like I’m going to explode. Now, it seems we can never get that back. Whenver we talk, I struggle to find something to talk about other than how school or life is doing. It’s extremely sad. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to trust anyone like that again. I always ask myself why I let that go. Why did I screw that up. I would trade anything for that again. I was so naive, so young and stupid. I really miss talking to you.

Sincerely, Me.

Ve (heme) nt.

So that’s it then. The case has been solved. Every time I needed someone to stand by me, hold my hand, sit with me and listen. Tell me that Everything is Going to be Okay. No one was ever there. It started young, with my family. The family who was never there. I learned that when I had a problem, I bottled it away. I could cry, I could curl up in my blankets and sleep my problems away. They just stayed with me, in my heart. I learned that no one really cares. Is this the truth? Maybe not so, but that’s all I ever knew. Best friends were always fleeting. I could never confide all my deepest secrets and feelings to one source. One simple support system. What I lacked in my social life, I made up for with my toys. I played, pretended, gave them names and personalities. They were my friends. And yet, I still didn’t have a support system. I lacked confidence, leadership, sociable skills. I can’t say I’ve made a single friend in middle school. I had one best friend, a family friend. I fondly remember the first time we met. They came over to our house; my brother and I being shy, hid in the bathroom. Eventually we met other kids from family friends, and we all became a “gang” in the Scooby-Doo sense. With all of us being military kids though, it was never meant to last. Eventually they left, eventually we grew apart. Eventually we stopped talking. At school, I hung with anyone who would let me. They weren’t friends, they were users; they used me as an emotional punchbag. They took their frustrations out on me, made me feel bad so that they could feel better. They offered just enough friendship to keep me around though. Treating my like their whipping boy. Much like a rotten child, offering food to some sick, stray dog. Beating the dog within an inch of his life, until he finally feeds him and strokes his fur, as if they were friends after all. That is all I knew from middle school. I viewed the punks, the rebels, the “weird” kids from afar. My biggest wish was that I could be part of that, that one of them would find me and bring me in to their world. I wanted friends that I could relate to. But it never happened… not until high school at least. I had my first taste of a true friendship there. One that wouldn’t go away, like most everything else in my life. Being in the honors program, I was stuck with the same people year after consecutive year. My best friend was Chris, my first advancement into trusting those of the same gender again. A guy who didn’t treat me like an inferior. Who talked to me about guy stuff and treated me like one of the guys. We had fun, I was happy again. Like everything else in my life though, it didn’t last. He moved, right after Sophomore year. I was alone again. On my own. Loner League: even that didn’t last. Whenever I made friends, when I found people to trust— real relationships, it ended abruptly. College came and swept me away on a cramped aircraft. I guess I never learned how to keep people near. I only knew (know?) how to push them away. In college I jumped from one group of friend to the next, never really staying for too long in one spot. In college, the only girl I loved was lost. I flunked a class and nearly failed the rest because of the emotional traumas. I just lost one thing after another. I never had a support group, it was gone before I could use it. Every time someone tries to get close, I don’t let them. They’re just going to leave me again. They’re going to let me down. Throughout my whole life there hasn’t been many people who have earned my trust. Those who have left me sitting alone in the dark, to fend for myself.

In this new chapter of my life, I have made a Resolution. I will achieve my own Enlightenment. I will learn to Trust. I finally looked up, sitting in the gloom, only to find I wasn't alone in the dark anymore. I have friend surrounding me, supporting me and holding me up. I want to keep these people around, I want to give back what they give me. I want to Evolve. I'm not that little boy anymore. My path is not so cold, alone, and frightening any longer.

SOS

Hold my hand, I never knew Hell could be this cold. The trek on this hellish journey is tiring. Illusions fill my head and I suffocate on emotions. There has to be something better. I don't want to go it alone, but there's no one to turn to. My bi-polar tendencies, mixed with my distrustful nature is a lethal combination. Hold my hand, my will is fading. You're not here, but you keep me alive. You make me happy. I miss you. I miss being happy-- oh how long for the times when I wasn't so burdened with all these troubles. I'm so indecisive. I feel like one more burden, that final straw, will break me down. I can't do this. Hold my hand, I think I'm dying. The light at the end of the tunnel is fading, like the flickering fluorescent lights in some long-abandoned building. I can feel the life draining from me, like sand in an hourglass. Hold my hand, you're all I have now. There are shouts from the outside, wondering if I'm all right. They couldn't care less. It's all a formality. I deflect and lie. It's so easy. They don't knock down the walls. You do. Hold my hand, tell me it'll all be alright. Please. Save me.

Abandoned Ship

My savior isn't coming. The guiding hands of fate have abandoned me. Hanging not even by a thread, merely by willpower alone. But my head is held together by frayed ropes and patched wires and crumbling beams. The mental capacity to keep holding on can only be spread so thin before it wears out. The battering waves wear down my patience for something better. The outlook is bleak, the diagnosis, devastating. How it came to this is a mystery. Hope is just another fairy tale.

Musings of a Sailor/ Shanty of Love

A word is a word until it is strung together with invisible wire to form a sentence. A sentence is a sentence until feeling is imparted, like paint to a canvas, to make it a poem. A poem is a poem until music is played alongside to make it a song. A song is a song until is it sung from the heart to convey love. As I drift in and out of my dreams, I wonder how much of a part my heart plays in the fictitious journeys I take in my mind. It makes one wonder if our dreams are fleeting views into different realities, images we are not meant to remember. Lands of rich green countryside, stretching to the horizon; castles and parapets, impossible creatures that talk, fly, and possess strange abilities. Futuristic wonders, metallic sheens and fantasitical technology. Or reliving alternate realities where choices may be taken back and reconsidered. Life follows a different path, like the butterfly fluttering off into a new world where the unknowing stranger, instead on crushing it under his foot, spares it's LIFE.
LIFE is as fragile as the stars, as vivid as the radiant sunset, as complex as the designs on a single tumbling snowflake, and as quick as an inhale of sharp winter air. On our journeys in the vast sea of life, we set our sights to distant goals, only recognizable through our convenient spyglasses. The various parchments that litter the deck map out our course as we attempt to conquer the obstacles that may eventually lead to treasure. Whether it be for glory, for riches, or to discover (or rediscover) love, we keep our eyes on the horizon, sailing at the speed that best suits our need. Though our journey may be fruitful, there is as equal a chance that we may come out empty-handed. It's a gambit every adventurer takes. On my vessel, my voyage, I am wary. Like the very greed that brought many a pirate to Davy Jone's Locker, I too succumb to my personal desires. Sailing through unfamiliar waters, staving off strange creatures and weathering out the nastiest of weather; I know somewhere in the back of my mind that I am likely to fall short of my horizon, or more likely to find that, in the end, there was never really any treasure. Like an oasis in the desert, it may all be merely a mirage to my hungering eyes. I do know though that though my vessel may be on the wrong course, there is equal possibilities that I may find a trove or a single valuable jewel along the way. For all I know, the right opportunity will cross paths with me, board ship and sweep me away along a new, exciting flight. Until that day I follow my heart, my mind, my eyes, my instinct like every explorer before me and every other one out there, lost in the sea of life. Until that day, I will enjoy the journey, for that is where happiness truly lies.

Funny Stuff

Decided to try my hand at one of these kind of list things.... most of them are my own, but the ones in quotations are funny ones I've found online...

This is the original link that inspired my post: http://michael-moniz.com/45-funny-thoughts-on-life/

-Don't you hate it when you're walking and you come across a intersection without a crosslight and a driver is waiting to turn? Even if it's your right-of-way, sometimes it's really awkward, especially if the driver's been there for a while....

- I feel like I'm cheating whenever a Christmas song comes on shuffle, so I change the song, no matter how much I want to listen to it...

- I truly miss the happiness and joy Christmas used to bring me. It seems like yesterday that I hung those little paper links by my bed to count down the days 'til Christmas.

- Looking back, I wonder what made me think Xx's and Xo's and random numbers were cool to include in my screen names and emails...

- I hate it when you're doing one of those long survey notes and at the end you have to tag people... I never know who would feel left out if I didn't tag them or who would be annoyed if I did...

- If I had to leave home without a cellphone, or with a dead battery, I'd probably feel naked and uncomfortable.

- I always feel a little sad when the ending credits of a movie doesn't have a blooper reel.

- I also feel very sad at the end of some movies that should have been longer...

- I hate when I'm walking (home) at night and I have multiple shadows surrounding me. It never fails to jump-start my paranoia as I feel like the shadows behind me is someone following me.

-Even though my glasses seem to fit me perfectly, they somehow find a way to slip ever so slowly down my nose. I'm self conscious about the way I push them up, so I always try to find a way to make it look cooler...

- Don't you hate the 'Awkard-Dance?' You know when you're walking and someone going in the opposite direction gets in your path? You both move left and then the right, you keep doing this and it could go on for the longest time...

- It might be just me, but when I take showers on a (cold) morning, my fingers and toes feel like they're burning when the warm/hot water touches them.

- "Kanye, how could you be so heartless?"

- I kinda don't like singing happy birthday with a room full of people. Everyone sings it so monotone, so when I try to sing it nice, I get thrown off and sound so out of place...

- Sometimes when I'm watching TV and someone is about to do something extremely embarrassing, I close my eyes or change the channel. It's like I'm embarrassed for them or I'm imagining myself in their shoes. This is especially true if I've seen the show before...

- Wouldn't it be awesome is someone found a way to make miniature animals? I'd totally rock to own an alligator or penguin the size of a hamster...

- I always find myself wishing textbooks had a 'Search' function.

- I wonder how many cars/cash-prizes I've won on soda bottle lids, but was too lazy to enter the prize code online for?

-No matter how old you are, you can never resist the temptation to pop bubble wrap

-Don't you hate it when you have something really good/interesting/relevating to say during a conversation or class discussion, but when you find a change to talk, the topic has changed? Should you just keep the thought to yourself or awkwardly bring up the old topic?

- What I hate even more is when AFTER I talk to a girl (that I may like), I think of something funny or witty that I should have said earlier. It feels like you'll never get the chance to say it again, or else you'd seem weird/awkward/desperate to randomly bring it up again...

-I hate how sad I get when I see that someone is typing something on an instant messenger, but never sends it. It depresses me even more that I'm so desperate for a message that may not even be more than a word long.

-Shouldn't we get some kind of discount for using the self-checkout at the store?

-Is there a use for the eject button on a DVD remote? Unless your DVD player can toss you the DVD, you have to get up anyway...

-"I don't write on your facebook wall so you can comment on it. I write on your wall so you will write back on mine and make me seem more popular. Work with me here."
(Just kidding, I thought this one was funny though...)

- " Finding a typo in a book makes me feel like a champion. How is it that I see that and the author and editors did not? I win."

-"Oh wrinkled, clean laundry on the floor, I would sooner throw you in for another wash and dry than attempt to iron you."

-"Despite the fact that there are no assigned seats in college, I get really pissed when I walk into class and someone is sitting in the seat I have occupied for the majority of a semester."

-"On one of the PowerPoints slides I was showing today to the 7th graders there was a picture of the statue of liberty. One of the boys yelled out "Man, I've been inside of her!" I couldn't help but laugh."

-" I like being a Mac user until I see those smug ass commercials. "

-" There is no casual way to figure out whether or not your fly is down. "

Until next time, TTFN!