Numb.

I'm finally at that point. That numbness that takes over your thoughts, freezing the core of your mind. The ice that creeps over your heart, blocking out the emotion. The hypothermia sets in, your fingers turn blue as you become numb.

I feel like I'm just going through the motions again. Like watching some grotesque occurrence, some horrible accident that you just can't wrench your eyes away from. It's painful, yet strangely satisfying. Does that mean it is my fault? Do I like torturing myself so much that I put myself in the same situation every time? I reach out with my heart, only to have it slapped down like a petty piece of trash. I wish I could just lock it away, but I wont. I can't. I don't know why, but I can't. It's not me.

It's all happening again: same shit, different day. This depression is so jaded, that I'm used to it. This may not be surprising, but it is scary. How can one soul be so torn, so broken that it is used to sadness; so mournful are my thoughts that I would do anything to escape them. Sometimes I wish I could run away. Go on an adventure. Anywhere else, but this. This is not what I ever wanted. This kind of pain is unbearable.

I finally understand what it means to be numb.