Dad

Song:

(Again, I apologize for my post... I fear I'll never have a flowing, coherent blog because I'm just innately a messy person...)

I chose this song because it's always meant a lot to me... With my dad being in the Navy, he was always out at sea a lot. We saw him a lot, but there were also long periods of time when we didn't get to see him. I remember we would always sleep in my mom's room to keep her company and stuff whenever he was away. Even while I write this blog, I can barely see through the tears as I listen to the song again... I remember how happy we were to wait at the docks with all the other families just to see my dad again...

Fast forward several years. My dad is finally able to get permanently stationed in Hawaii. Growing up like a typical teenager, privacy, secrecy, hormones leading to puberty leading to the distance between us growing apart. He never got to teach me about the birds and the bees, I already learned it in school. He never got to take me out to love sports and stuff, but he' still proud that I got the brains to compensate. If there is anything in this life that I'll regret is being ashamed of my dad as a teenager. I never liked to go golfing with him every weekend, he had to practically force my brother and I. Whenever he went out, we'd have better things to do- stare at a computer screen or mindless slave away at a video game. Sometimes I feel like my biggest regret is that I feel like I'm not the son he wanted. I always feel like I let my dad down somewhere down the road. There are just some things I wish I could go back and change for him.

He'd never be one to tell you any of this though. In fact he's proud of me for who I am. He's proud that I'm the first in my family to attend college, to graduate high school with honors and advanced credits. Sometimes you never realize just how wise your father can be. Just because he grew up in a different time doesn't mean he didn't grow up facing the same things. Whenever I felt at my lowest, ready to give up, I could always come to my dad. No matter how bad it was, he understood and made me feel loads better. He's always there for me, even when I don't realize it. When it feels like there's no one on my side, no one who understands me, he'll always be there to pick me up. He's inspired so much in me to be a better person, if not for his sake, for mine. A father's love is relentless, unlimited, powerful... there is nothing so simple and truthful as this fact. Though this is not necessarily true for biological fathers, father-figures are also capable of a such love.

Thinking about my dad, listening to songs like 'Butterfly Kisses,' and watching movies of devoted fathers like 'Taken,' I can't wait to grow up and become a loving father myself. I feel it is my duty to one day protect my kids, pass down the teachings of my father, and just love them until they grow up to be respectable adults. I guess you can chalk it up to human nature, our purpose is to reproduce raise our young to repeat the process. Like I'll shamelessly tell anyone, I'd love to have a daughter one day, daddy's little girl you know? It'd also be neat to have a boy as well, teach him to be respectful and honest, kind and honorable. But only in dreams, it seems...

Anyway, in the end I guess you should never take things in your life for granted, whether it be your parents, grandparents, or anything and anyone else. We often never learn this until it's too late, either way, we lose something dear to us. Whether it be an actual, tangible thing or person, or just something like a childhood spent with your loved ones. We often regret the choices we make for self-benefit, so spread the love and cherish every moment you have with your loved ones.

I wish you all a happy fathers day whether you can spend it with your father or not.

Until next time, Arrivederci!

When I look at the stars... I feel like myself

Chose two songs, by the same artist which inspired me to write something tonight: Switchfoot's 'Stars' and 'We Are One Tonight.' Okay, couldn't embed the videos so here's the links: (sorry!)
- Stars
- We Are One Tonight

The two songs are kinda similar and have a somewhat night theme. Remember sitting outside, laying in the grass, or on top of your parents' car just staring up at the sky? When was the last time you've done that? I greatly urge you to do so now if you're reading this at night. Yes, right now. I can wait, I've got all the time in the world and I'll be waiting here when you return. It's an amazing thing to stare up into the night sky, especially with no city lights, no house lights to detract from the stars. As a kid, staring at the stars gave me a sense of wonder that I never understood, nor could I fully grasp. All I knew was it brought me to peace, I felt as ease with the cool wind blowing at my hair and the chilling metal (or soft and itchy grass) below my body. This is also why I love taking ride in the night, staring up in the night sky is awesome, especially in the back of a moving pick up truck. What is it about the infinite reaches of space that quells my soul and keeps me silent? Maybe it just makes you feel small, like nothing else at the moment matters. You are in possession of that great mysterious wonder, gripped by its vast and endless silence. Nothing really matters at this point, the world is at peace for this timeless instant. At the same time as cleansing the spirit, it reminds you that, like that stars, there are endless people on this earth who share all this with you. Whether they be of different age and time, or different class and standing, of different race and culture... you all share the same fate in this life. There are commonalities in the important things: people live, people love, people die. Staring up at the sky, I feel as one with the world. Like in the classic of 'An American Tail,' somewhere out there... well you get the picture. As we all strive to live in this unforgiving world, we forget that we're all out of the same mold, all of us. There are those who have strayed the path; heck, we all follow our own paths, like branching twines of fate, but many of our paths our parallel and intertwine throughout our lives. Remember everyone you encounter, never forget your experiences, love without limit, because as we continue to walk down the one-way street of life, you can only look back and move forward. Never take anything, materialistic or otherwise, for granted. Never turn a blind eye to a fellow being, as we are all one, we are all struggling. It is true what they say, so keep a smile on your face and kind words at your breath. You never know when you'll be wishing for someone, anyone, to come along with one of those blessings. Sorry if this is really disordered, blogging is a learning experience :)

Until next time, Farewell!

Mentally exhausted...

Man, it sucks when that old, familiar feeling overtakes me again. It's like a wave of sorrow washes through my mind, drowning out all the happiness that may have been there. I can never define it or understand it, but it's the most familiar feeling in the world. All of I sudden I don't feel like talking; I stare into nothingness, shoulders slumped in pitiful contempt for the world. Along with this depression comes frustration, knowing I can not control the feeling and that it will eventually take over my mind and tear me down. I can no longer see the good side of anything, the pessimistic in me is released once again. Friends, family, loved ones? Who needs them? Who needs this life? These dreadful thoughts surge into my mind, digging me deeper into a world of hate and despair. It builds up within me, I despise people, I despise the world, I despise myself. The frustration builds up I as argue with myself: I have a good life, good friends, good future, what more do I need? Why do I feel this way, I know I am stronger than this... But am I really? Doubt starts to boil up in my mind and heart. Am I lying to myself? Who am I to say I have the good life; you're being deceived, you're in denial. Struggling, kicking, screaming, all the while as silent as a mouse. They ask me if I'm okay... of course will I lie, but nothing is all right. Who am I do drag them under with me? This is my fight, they don't deserve this. But, I am just making things worse for myself, struggling alone in the quicksand. I turn away from those outstretched, life-giving hands, favoring my pride. So I lie; I lie to them, I lie to the world, I lie to myself. Everything will be just fine. But, will it? There is a monster in my brain, gnawing at the bars in the cage labeled 'Insanity' and it wants out. It wants to turn my mind upside down, destroy my sanity and extinguish my will to live. Yet...somehow, I always make it through. Usually it passes, leaving me a little more weaker than I was before, my fortitude slowly whittles down. Rarely, I let someone else inside to help. This never happens often, I've grown so detached from trust and companionship. Too many fakes, lies, deceit. But every once in a while there is someone who truly cares, even if it is only for that one instant. They will forget later, but in that moment, someone to trust, someone to hold on to. A buoy in the storm. It helps. I get over it somehow.

All these torments I thought I had left behind me, I'd been free for a long time. I've been... happy. Imagine my surprise and confusion when it came back, like the diabolical villain in a predictable sequel. The frustration starts again, I thought I had gotten past this. It still makes as little sense as it ever has. Trust is lost, I love my friends, but I can't think straight. I feel alone and I don't know why! Cursing, roaring, thrashing in agony at this unseen foe... irritable, angry, violent. The old hate starts to emerge as the old me pops his head out to say with a devilish grin: "Hello, missed me? I'm baaaaaack." I don't want to be this, I'm better than that. I've changed, I've grown, I've conquered my past. It then hits me... like a kickball to the head... a dodgeball to the chin...or a tennis ball to the groin. It's a test, I know how to get through this. It's like battling the boss of video game a second time, only you know it's tricks and though it may seem bigger and badder, you know exactly how to defeat it. I knew how to get through it. Just another bump in the road, albeit a big motherf*cking bump. I have to take it slow, my frustrations will dissipate and I will get through this. I will survive. Possunt quia posse videntur.

Until next time, Valete!

A list, a list, my kingdom for a list

Okay sorry I haven't written any blogs lately, but I have plenty of ideas bouncing around in my head... I just haven't perfected them yet. So to abate my need to post something, I'll do something easy and interesting :)

"Your dreams won't wait, you have to always strive to catch up with them."

1. Learn to ride a horse

2. Learn to use a longbow

3. Learn to fire a gun and play Skeet

4. Fire arrows while on a horse

5. Learn to play Piano (the most beautiful sounding instrument) (and then I could sing and play at the same time, like the song Starlit Nights :) )

6. Learn to play Violin (and use it in rock/alternative music)

7. Sing for an audience

8. Find my calling (and make a living out of it)

9. Travel to every continent

10. Skydive or Bungee Jump!

11. Get a puppy and kitten at the same time (One of the will be named Zokki)

12. Try my hand at acting/dancing something (just for fun!)

13. Change the world (make it a better place somehow!)

14. Fall in love (After I finish college hopefully!)

15. Start a family and be a loving father (many years from now)

Can't think of any more right now... Meh, maybe more later. Anyone got any suggestions of things we should do? Leave a comment!

Until next time, Zàijiàn!