Who am I?

Probably the most debatable question in my head at the moment. I once read something that said: "I haven't figured me out yet. I don't let others close for fear that they'll
figure me out first and hold that above me." Perhaps this is a little true for everyone. Is it possible to answer this questions completely and be satisfied with the answer. I believe not. As we grow up, we change. We don't internalize that change and make note of it until it is too late. By the time we are wise enough to think about our thinking, we've already lost a good chunk of our lives. Granted, there are those who are young and wise, but lack experience to understand the changes taking place in their lives. They say that when you grow older, you can only then truly enjoy all the small things in life, because you only take them for granted when you have time on your side and your whole life ahead of you. But, what happens when your whole life is already behind you? You can't go back and do everything you wish you did. That's the dilemma. Now, you may say I'm too young to be thinking about this; I should go out there and do what I want to do, but hear me out. My concern is that I don't really know who I am. In a society dictated by the elite and powerful, we define ourselves by those we see as desirable. It makes me sick to know so many people would rather be like their 'idols' than just be themselves. Who ever said there was anything wrong with that. What makes the 'desirables' so desirable? I don't see any difference besides the hype. We're all just people. People trying to live, trying to make it, trying to live, trying to be happy. We all the same, but we're oh so different. Humans borne of our unique experiences, that can never be replicated from person to person, ever. Our uniqueness is right there, but too many insist on following someone else.

They say that the only constant thing in this world is change. But I think at the core, we never really change. We just cover ourselves up in so many layers that aren't ourselves, that we eventually forget who we really are, and sometimes we never really will figure that out.

Pieces.

To mend a broken soul

is not a simple process

doled out in steps and

instructions. It is a long

journey marked with

hurt and happiness and

healing and burning. You

can't forget who you are,

you have to hold on to

what you have left. It's

pointless to think you can

just sleep it off. You have

to accept your loss and

embrace it. You have to

push on, and you have to

keep your head up, while

Mother Nature hurls all

she has, and spits in your face.

Happiness? Priceless.

Sometimes these 'happy pills' the prescribe me feel more like a straight jacket. And how could this analogy ever be mistaken? They are modern day forms of those torture devices used to constrict a person with a mental disorder and keep them from hurting themselves or others. Personally though, it's hard living like this. This straight jacket is more constraining on my emotions rather than my body. Being an empathetic and emotional person, that's pretty much a tying down who I am. I guess the key reason I take these pills is to avoid depression. I still feel sadness from time to time, like normal people I'm told, but it's different from depression. When you're sad, you're sad and you get over it. Depression is a silent killer accompanied by anxiety, hopelessness, carelessness, and general apathy. It's like you're walking along it life and you trip and fall into a ditch. Facing down, you claim that you see no reason to get up and move on, when really, you're just looking down. You convince yourself eventually that you don't even want to get up when someone comes along, turns you over and even tried to pull you out. They show you what's worth getting up for, but you can't feel it. you've become numb laying in the dirty, cold water of your ditch. These happy pills change all that. That ditch becomes a puddle; you may step in it and be dismayed, or even stumble, but you always catch yourself. The only problem is, these pills, these mini straight jackets also constrain the rest of your emotions. The things that once brought you joy and happiness don't seem as fulfilling anymore, The sunshine is a little darker and the sky isn't that vivid blue you once remembered. The whole spectrum of emotions is dull and worn out. It's just another fading rainbow on the horizon. Anger, desire, wants, needs, hunger, passion-- everything is different. Because you're held back. Because you need to be held back. To protect yourself. To protect other. Because it's the only thing you can do. All that's left for you. Happy. Pills. Who would ever think?

My Analogy

One night I was thinking about everything again and I came up with a personal epiphany. It's not meant to apply to everyone, but I thought it was interesting myself. Sometimes life and love are hard to understand, but when you look at a problem from a different way, you get a new perspective on it. As I lay in bed, I began to compare life to sailing a ship. It's not easy to sail a ship. You have to learn about your ship before you can before you can master sailing, just as you must know yourself before you can master life. At the same time you are learning about your ship, you're already sailing it into great unknowns, because after all, none of our ships come with maps, let alone instruction manuals. Now, I wont get into Society too much, but as I understand, our society has much emphasis on love, as seen in media, particularly movies. We all believe there's someone out there perfect for us, deserving of our love. But, we always try to make the first person that catches our eye that soulmate. We just throw ourselves into the water and climb aboard someone else's boat, casting away your own hopes, dreams and desires. Because, hey, who needs to be an individual when you can be loved, right? But that's not how it works. Two people aren't meant to share the same boat, the same self. One must first know oneself before one can be with another. A relationship isn't two people living in the same body, as many tend to believe, but two people who enjoy the others company. Who share some kind of bond, while still remaining separate. Sure, you may share goals, dreams, or aspirations together, but you can't forget that you, yourself, has personal ones as well. When both parties understand this, and still wish to be together, then there you will find a lasting relationship. Because love isn't about raiding a ship, and then sharing it with another being. It's about finding that perfect someone who understands you, and wont stand in the way of your goals; and you, theirs. It's a mutual bond that compromises and never contests It takes a foundation of trust; trusting that they wont steer their ship into yours, or sail off when you sleep, to pursue their own treasure or some other fancier ship. Love is two ships sailing together toward the sunset, not knowing where they are going, but enjoying the journey they share together. And that's my personal definition of life, outside of the box.

My Biggest Fear

Sometimes I wonder if I've just become a shadow of my former self. I'm avoiding risks, the big choices that could change my life are made by fear rather than heart. It's all too easy to put on masks and convince myself that I'm alright. I just want to open my eyes and wake up from this nightmare. These strings controlling my limbs scare me. I just want to be in control again. I want to be who I used to be, instead of this imposter. I'm tired of living in the shadows.

Piece of Mind.

You’ve taken a piece of my mind.

My reality is still so full of your aftermath, so

I’m constantly reminded of you everywhere I go.

My dreams, the one place I can go to escape the fear,

are still tormented by the events that escalated in this past year.

You’ll never steal my happiness,

you’ll never liberate me of my freedoms,

you’ll never have my defeat on your list of accomplishments

but I can never attain peace;

you’ve managed to take that much from me.

My mind follows my heart.

But, in this case, that peace of my mind

is all it took to tear me apart.

Save.

Where did everything go wrong. When did my life start to go downhill. What decision was it that changed everything? I'm looking back on my life and I don't know what the heck happened. Sometimes I wish there were save points, like video games. I could just choose a point to redo and relive all over again. What point would I return to though? Would I go back to Freshman year, when I didn't know true friendship, yet I didn't know drama either? Or would I go back a year, before I lost three of my best friends. Or at least I feel like I've lost the last two of them by now. Would I go back to before, when I didn't have to pretend to be happy every single day? Maybe I'd go all the way back to my childhood and avoid coming here altogether. Would it make a difference anyway? Would I be doomed to repeat my mistakes and bad choices? I don't even know if I've learned anything. I feel like I'm still trapped by the evils I've been through. What I wouldn't give to go back and change that part of my life. What I wouldn't give to be normal, to be able to trust again without being so paranoid. I hate where my life is going right now. I don't have anyone anymore. I want to go back, I want to have what we used to have. I miss my life how it used to be, and all my friends and old relationships before I went and fucked it all up. That seems like the only thing I'm good at doing these days.