Who am I?

Probably the most debatable question in my head at the moment. I once read something that said: "I haven't figured me out yet. I don't let others close for fear that they'll
figure me out first and hold that above me." Perhaps this is a little true for everyone. Is it possible to answer this questions completely and be satisfied with the answer. I believe not. As we grow up, we change. We don't internalize that change and make note of it until it is too late. By the time we are wise enough to think about our thinking, we've already lost a good chunk of our lives. Granted, there are those who are young and wise, but lack experience to understand the changes taking place in their lives. They say that when you grow older, you can only then truly enjoy all the small things in life, because you only take them for granted when you have time on your side and your whole life ahead of you. But, what happens when your whole life is already behind you? You can't go back and do everything you wish you did. That's the dilemma. Now, you may say I'm too young to be thinking about this; I should go out there and do what I want to do, but hear me out. My concern is that I don't really know who I am. In a society dictated by the elite and powerful, we define ourselves by those we see as desirable. It makes me sick to know so many people would rather be like their 'idols' than just be themselves. Who ever said there was anything wrong with that. What makes the 'desirables' so desirable? I don't see any difference besides the hype. We're all just people. People trying to live, trying to make it, trying to live, trying to be happy. We all the same, but we're oh so different. Humans borne of our unique experiences, that can never be replicated from person to person, ever. Our uniqueness is right there, but too many insist on following someone else.

They say that the only constant thing in this world is change. But I think at the core, we never really change. We just cover ourselves up in so many layers that aren't ourselves, that we eventually forget who we really are, and sometimes we never really will figure that out.

Pieces.

To mend a broken soul

is not a simple process

doled out in steps and

instructions. It is a long

journey marked with

hurt and happiness and

healing and burning. You

can't forget who you are,

you have to hold on to

what you have left. It's

pointless to think you can

just sleep it off. You have

to accept your loss and

embrace it. You have to

push on, and you have to

keep your head up, while

Mother Nature hurls all

she has, and spits in your face.

Happiness? Priceless.

Sometimes these 'happy pills' the prescribe me feel more like a straight jacket. And how could this analogy ever be mistaken? They are modern day forms of those torture devices used to constrict a person with a mental disorder and keep them from hurting themselves or others. Personally though, it's hard living like this. This straight jacket is more constraining on my emotions rather than my body. Being an empathetic and emotional person, that's pretty much a tying down who I am. I guess the key reason I take these pills is to avoid depression. I still feel sadness from time to time, like normal people I'm told, but it's different from depression. When you're sad, you're sad and you get over it. Depression is a silent killer accompanied by anxiety, hopelessness, carelessness, and general apathy. It's like you're walking along it life and you trip and fall into a ditch. Facing down, you claim that you see no reason to get up and move on, when really, you're just looking down. You convince yourself eventually that you don't even want to get up when someone comes along, turns you over and even tried to pull you out. They show you what's worth getting up for, but you can't feel it. you've become numb laying in the dirty, cold water of your ditch. These happy pills change all that. That ditch becomes a puddle; you may step in it and be dismayed, or even stumble, but you always catch yourself. The only problem is, these pills, these mini straight jackets also constrain the rest of your emotions. The things that once brought you joy and happiness don't seem as fulfilling anymore, The sunshine is a little darker and the sky isn't that vivid blue you once remembered. The whole spectrum of emotions is dull and worn out. It's just another fading rainbow on the horizon. Anger, desire, wants, needs, hunger, passion-- everything is different. Because you're held back. Because you need to be held back. To protect yourself. To protect other. Because it's the only thing you can do. All that's left for you. Happy. Pills. Who would ever think?